I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
