Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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