i need an iv and a liver transplant
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
