Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
well you can't waste a boner
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
