I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
