all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
