dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
