I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
