I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
