I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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