i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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