I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
