$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Buhtt sex?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
