it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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