she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
