Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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