and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
