I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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