I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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