i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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