Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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