There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
