I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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