Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
