I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
