your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
