life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
