Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
