good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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