bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
