Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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