my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
