is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
