Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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