I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
