There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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