I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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