I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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