They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
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Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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