the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
