If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
