Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
