A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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