return my video game
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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