Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
