I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
