Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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