If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
