dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
