just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
