gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
