Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
