Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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