He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
