it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
