Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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