he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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