Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
another moral hangover. fuck.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
